Eye see nothing.

I hate optometrist appointments. I had one today, cause I'm far-sighted, well..which ever is the one where you can't see far away. Anyways, mainly an issue for university lectures. Oh, and I have a random frekle on my eye, which they are careful in watching..I guess. In any case, I had one today scheduled for 2:15. I got there 20 minutes early and by 2:15 the doctor called my name, telling me to go to room number 2. So I did. 

Anyways, the main doctor I guess put an eye-drop in each eye, without warning me. Kind of sudden, I'd say. So the first set of eye drops made my eyes feel like they had coins embedded in the lids, which wasn't helped by her shining lights into my eyes. 

She had a resident student who was there to learn and she kept asking me if it was alright that he took a look in my eye. She started quizzing him on things about this random freckle and he was getting the wrong answers I guess. Anyways, he asked me if it was okay to look in my eye and I was like Sure why not. I thought I'd make a joke, so I said; It'll be like an episode of Greys Anatomy where the resident has to guess the medical symptoms. I thought it was funny. The student thought it was funny, but the little arrogant main optometrist didn't. 

I guess you can't win them all. 

Point of the story: I had two more sets of drops, to dilate my pupils, bothered the hell out of me once I hit outside, the sun light and junk. Oh and I looked like I had smoked a splif. 

Fun eh?

Until the wagon stops rolling, catch those apples. 

Cheers mates. 

Dreaming of the odd.

I've been having an insane amount of weird dreams the past few nights. As I'm writing this line right now, I'm worried I'm going to forget what they're about. I can't quite remember what nights they occurred on, or if they we're all in fact in one night. 

I guess I'll talk about the first one I remember..

I dreamt about my mom and my dad and some other people that I can't remember right now, which might mean its not important to mention. But we were all up in a hotel room having a party (egh, partying with the rents) and it was a big room; typical room, two beds, a washroom, a big balcony and a rather spacious room in general. Anyways, there we're definitely people my age, I'd call 'em kids, but I'm not really a kid. Though, it could be appropriate since my parents were in the dream and I am their kid. 

Anyways, we're all sitting down and all of a sudden we hear shootings. So we look outside the window of the balcony, and by we I mean, through my eyes and all of a sudden there's two people beside me, who it seems are on our team, fighting to save us, even though the debacle was really between them and the opposing shooters. So they're shooting and the feeling I had was obviously fear, fear for me, my mom and dad. 

At one point, the room was hit with a bullet I guess, and it started to crumble. The balcony was falling, breaking in half, the room had separated in half.  I think at that point I was running around, trying to get people to jump off the balcony to safer ground. And I remember looking over at my dad, who was sitting so peacefully in a chair with his eyes closed. Mom was safe, though I can't remember where she was, but the feeling at that point, I remember it being calm. But dad wasn't. I ran over to him, jumping over that gap that had been created from the separation of the room, and he was life-less. It freaks me out to even write this part over cause I hate thinking about it. His face was warm, but he wasn't there. His eyes we're closed and he was just gone, leaving us with like this weird calm, serene smile. 

Mom had been there, doing something, but someone told me I had to leave dad and save myself and everyone else. I can't remember what happened next, but what I do remember is the opposition team getting closer to our balcony and I was all alone with the shooters on our team, so I ran to the bathroom and locked the door. At one point, I thought it was safe to get out, so I did and our shooters said they had defeated the opposition, I guess they meant killed them. 

And then I was back in the bathroom, with my mom hiding and the gun man suddenly entered. And he was like, pointing the gun at us and all I remember was starting to cry and asking him to not harm me or my mom and then he like laughed and said he wouldn't and walked out the door. Next, I was behind our shooters and they had gotten the oppositions outside our room, well half outside, de-armed them and we're about to close the door and lock it. But then the opposition had slipped a coca-cola label on the ground, stepped on it and then left. 

All of a sudden it was like an episode of like CSI where, they zoom into the label and see all of its mechanisms working, etc etc. So it was like zoomed in and then all of a sudden my dream ended with a big explosive boom. 

And thats when I woke up. What it means, I have no idea. 

My second dream isn't as vivid in my mind..but I dreamt about Jack and Jimmy (Jack's insightful friend). I had decided to go up to one of their parties, that seemed to be in some sort of recreation hall to see Jack and to re-meet Jimmy. I remember walking in and being a little dis-oriented with their friends I've heard of, but haven't met. 

Anyways, I had like passed Jack and he didn't even say hello or acknowledge that I was there. I figured I'd go up to him later, but for now just rummage through the mounds of people. I had met one of his friends, who had this girlfriend who was like hand in hand with him on the couch and I sat down and started talking to them. All of a sudden, a girl from my high-school (in the real non-dreaming world) came up and introduced herself and this guy who had the gf right beside him, started to flirt with her and make-out with her. Really bizarre. 

After that I left the couch and went over to some other people and I just remember looking over my shoulder and I saw Jack laughing. Him and his friends we're looking in my direction and laughing at the top of their lungs. Then I went to the bathroom to shed my frustrations and I remember lifting the toilet seat, but there was saran wrap on it. Luckily I had noticed it, but then all of a sudden some guy barges in and starts laughing saying it was a prank and that he almost had me. ..

That's really all I remember of that dream..weird or what?

I dunno. Dreams are as cool as they are weird, but it would be so nice to know what they actually meant. 

Weightless Birds.

Alcoholism is the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
"DAMNIT Autto, you've got Lupis"
"DAMNIT Autto, you're an alcoholic"

- Mitch Hedberg

haha. Thought I'd throw in a joke that came up around the table today, that is leading me to blog. If you've not heard of him, Youtube him, a.s.a.p. Seriously, stop reading my blog and go to youtube! Sadly, he's dead. Way to put it subtly eh? I pretty much suck at that. But still, go youtube him.

Anyway's before I get on with typing my head down on paper, for all those who we're concerned in the blogging world, I am feeling much better. I am no longer dizzy, my necks still stiff as a branch, but I guess its what I should expect from falling of a couch and blacking out. But anyways, back to today's early blog.

I was out with my mom and my sister tonight, to a movie and appetizers afterwards, which was really nice because I've been so occupied with myself, my friends and my thoughts. It was nice to just sit down and talk. We talked about how my mom and dad met, for like the 10th time. We talked about having kids and why my mom had as many as she did etc. etc. It was really a good conversation. I thought I knew my sister and my mom like the back of my hand, but course I didn't. I don't mean that in a bad way, not in a great way either. Hmm. Well, without giving too much about myself away (though, I've already failed with that), my mom got into talking about me having kids. And well, I've been through a medical journey. Nothing crazy serious, though ask mom about it and she'd say it was. Let's just go with, I have had my share of broken legs, from weak leg bones, yeah lets say that. But Im all over with that stuff, meaning I don't hold it against myself and feel sorry for myself, etc.

Anyways, mom got talking and the sister got talking about having kids, one day (years and years down the road) and they reminded me that I'd have a 50 percent chance of passing on what I had to my kids. It floors me to talk about this though now, cause I am only 20 and well I'm not living in the generation my parents did, which means I'm definitely not having kids soon, at all. But anyways, my sister asked me if I'd really have a kid if they we're gonna go through the same thing I did, and my response was damn well I would. Obviously, I can understand that what I went through would be hard for the people around me , that knew me, but my kid having to face that, I could deal and it would only make them stronger. Cliche much? Its what my parents taught me.

My sister said that she would not have a kid if she knew it had to go through that, or anything else. I looked over to my mom, and I could tell she was thinking the same thing, in the sense that she wouldn't want something like that to be repeated. I get it. She's a mom, she had a hard time with her emotions and me and hospitals and doctors, and tears. I really do understand, but I mean I would not stop myself from having a kid because I am prepared to face whatever life throws and Im ready to help my kid get through that too. I hope thats not coming across as selfish, but I wouldn't be able to do that to myself. It would mess so much more with my concience to not have a kid because there would be a 50 percent chance of medical problems, than to actually have a kid and deal with those challenges.

I have nothing against what my sister and mom (what she said with her eyes) said, but it just made me think about the person I am and want to continue to be. I don't shy away in the face of new things, different things, challenging things.

I just, feel like people these days, everything is about simplicity and convinience and same-ity. Same-ity; my word, for a lack of a better word, to describe how people are afraid of something different in life, different shoes than anyone, a different hair style, different interior designs etc.
I feel like people take the easy way out; walking in a straight line, instead of around the corner. I dunno, couldn't think of a great example, though if I did have a better one, I'm pretty sure it would be an epic point I was making.

Anyway's like I said, its about a decade away, maybe a year less than that, even though I don't put time gaps on anything, but its likely it is a long time away. But it got me thinking, which led me to blogging. It's off my mind, kind of.

Oh, and now that I am feeling a lot better, I can actually take time to read my favorite blogs, which I've missed oh so much.

Pull those socks up and don't crash that pumpkin.
Cheers mates. : )

Blacked out: ice cold.

A couple drinks shot down, music playin; naturally I get on the couch with the buddy and jump around. We're havin' a fun time, alcohols a brewin but Sally decides to get off the couch, and before I can follow boom. blackout. 

Yes. I fell off the couch, hit my head on either a bottle or the wall; something that made a boom and blacked out for a couple seconds. I woke up with my friends around me, head spinning, seeing stars (so to speak), head pounding and thinking I was paralyzed. Naturally I was scared, therefore not moving, then trying to process what happened. Once I did that, I tried to move, and luckily I was A.OK or so I thought. I was a little shook up, but continued to party, throwing back more drinks.  After getting 2 hours of sleep, we walked to McDonalds for a 9'oclock breakfast and I went home only to pass out. 

Now I was feeling the pain. My back, neck and shoulders were aching. My head still spinning. I nearly fell on my ass from washing my hands and looking down. This was after like 9 hours of sleep, which definitely means it can't be the hangover. I slept it off. 

So I was getting freaked, and still am freaked that it could be a minor concussion, since I did blackout. Right now, its considerably difficult to keep my eyes glued to the screen cause as mentioned my head is spinning like a winding wheel. I definitely can't walk it off cause I'll end up on the floor. I've been drinking water and eating sugary snacks hoping I'll feel better, but its been nearly 24 hours since the fall and maybe 8 hours since the symptoms. 

I've pretty much realized that I'm an idiot, for dancing on a couch with alcohol in me, and will no longer do that.....goooooo me. 

In any case, I will definitely see a doctor tomorrow if my symptoms persist. Ooo . What fun. 

Words of advice: never dance on a couch.

I'd write more, but I can't focus like I said and Im totally out of it. 

Keep it hot. 

Cheers mates. 

Thats on a cold windy day.

I hate it. So much. I hate that, I like put up this guard. Hahaha. First girl you've heard that from eh? Hope you can get my sarcasm. Sigh.

Hmm. How the hell do I put what's on my mind, on paper..electronically. Shit, putting it on paper alone is difficult, but electronically? Gosh, what a task. 

I guess...it bothers me that, I get really afraid to open up to people. Im really pretty energetic and outgoing and personable, but its this whole..confiding it people and telling people how I feel. But, I think it's way more that that. It feels like an avalanche is ready to trail behind me, like Im carrying excess baggage. As little as I am in size, I'm pretty good with holding pounds and pounds of baggage. 

Life has just got me thinking that I want things to be solid. Things in my life are so unsteady. Family relationships not only between me and the rest of my family, but relationships between each other. I tell myself I'm so over that bullshit and their drama and that I need to focus on me and let them work things out, but that cloud dwindles over my head that leaves me needing to hold an umbrella up and be the one, the one who can guard them, and fix things. I don't want perfection, because a) perfection is unattainable and b) perfection if boring. I just want things to be steady. I want things to flow in my life, and family is a huge part. Damn. This makes no sense. 

Well. I guess. Alright, here it is. I listen to songs (another cliche' for ya mates) and I think of how great  it would be to have that, like a relationship. No, I'm not the needy girl. But, it's so nice to have a connection with someone who thinks of you when they see or hear something. Me and my friend, let's call her Tina, were talking about how that person in your life, that someone, can make such a difference. How that person can make or break your life. I don't mean it in the dramatic sense it is coming across as. I mean it as, if you're in a relationship with someone and it's going great, it can make your attitude and your days so much better, just as if things have gone horribly wrong, it can make your day..make your day, well shit. And I know what you may be thinking..and to clear it up, my happiness is not dependent on a guy. Like I said, its just comforting to have some solid ground with a couple things in life. 

Let's bring up Jack again, from my previous blogs. I love him as a friend, though around each other we're usually more. But, I don't want anything more from him. I don't want him as a boyfriend cause he'd be a bad one, with me at least. I want him as a friend and he can't even be that, so imagine. But it hurts, hurts so much that like, he wants me as that call girl. And I'm a huge idiot for getting started with this whole shit. I mean, I really don't mind it in the moment, but I had hesitations at the beginning. What I mind, is that our friendship and hanging out revolves around only that. The other day I was telling Jack that we really needed to hang out before I head off to work at that camp and he agrees, stressing that he needs some 'ass.'  This is what I mean by having something solid. 

I don't understand how one day, he acts like a really great friend who appreciates me, for me, my personality, my good times and how instantly, in a second my whole perception of him can change by the one thing he says. Its a big thing because that one thing he says, really says a lot about what he thinks. 

Sigh. Its out. 

I just need some solid ground in my life. Jimmy my insightful friend (hmm, did I call him Jimmy before?) just mentioned to me something about how, if people have a fate, or a destiny thats not to far away, sometimes they've gotta look around before diving into that so called destiny. Whether I believe in all that fate business, it just leaves me telling him that because my life is so unsolid, I end up diving and coming right back out. And you know what he responds with?

"That's only on a cold windy day."

Leave it to him to get me to chuckle. 

Thanks for readin mates. Sorry for another, un complex script of my mind. 

Cheers ; )

Don't let those dragonflies let you down, and bounce those balls high.

Respect that .

"Number 77........number 78..............79.........80...." 

I went to the hospital with my dad today cause he needed to get a blood test and I well I was just bothered by a couple things. Or, I guess they just stood out in my crazy mind. 

Dad had to get a blood test in the hospital downtown, since he had a small surgery there a couple weeks and well we go and I sit down while he goes to the reception to check in and comes back with a number. A black piece of plastic with the number 77 on it. Next to me, there were other patients with different numbers, many of them with numbers before 77. We didn't really wait long, that wasn't the problem. I guess the problem was that it bothered me how patients, rather people were being represented by numbers. I know it is probably more efficient, and all that bullshit, but it all feels so...cold. I mean, in a hospital people feel SO vulnerable as is and to not be represented as people, but numbers makes things so impersonal. 

Shit, I don't even think its logical for it to bother me, but I mean it does. And it scares me because because my parents are getting older and as much as I try to be there, it scares me to think how they'll be treated when I can't be around. I don't want these stupid hospital workers poking and prodding at them, and at him, like he's nothing. Sigh. It just really bothered me and I really felt like taking my dads arm and leaving. I guess thats love though right? I just want him to be treated wonderfully. ...

Anyways, I guess I'll tell you about the McDonalds thing. We'll the whole family has been on this new regime of eating, eating better, though as mentioned before, dads the only one who really had to join the rest of us. But, anyways he felt like spoiling himself today, and after a couple months of not eating any fast food, I thought he deserved it. So, we go to McDonalds and from the time we were at the end of the line, to the time where we made our order, there was a group of family (looked like a mother and two older daughters) complaining. Their first complaint was that the burger on their Big Mac wasn't straight. So, the manager gave them a new burger post their complaint. The second complaint was that their fries we're getting "cold" (even though they ate half while waiting for their food), so again the manager threw out their two orders of fries and gave them a new set. Then, they went further to complain that their chicken sandwich was going to get cold if the Big Mac did not get there in 20 seconds. So, of course, they gave them ANOTHER chicken sandwich. 

That's two meals thrown out. It just really bothered me how rude they we're to the employees at McDonalds, at MCDONALDS. You get what you pay for and I mean are you seriously going to get angry about a burger not being straight on your bun? They have hands, they can fix it, if they can eat it. And, thats exactly it, they're going to eat it..what the hell does it matter if its not centered. Sigh. I guess its just a huge respect thing and I can't understand how people can be SO disrespectful. 

Bah. Those people can go suck a lemon. If I wasn't composed (bahaha) and polite..I would've given them the lemon myself. 

Anyways, I know I've been SO undedicated to my blog lately..I've had a lot of things on my mind..er which I guess means I really should be bloggin'..but ehn. 

Until the motor stops running, sleep well on that daisy. 

And it is...

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about how growing up things have changed, we've both evolved, gained things; and lost things, and it got me thinking to what one thing I used to have that I don't anymore.

It also got me thinking, that it is really hard to narrow it down to one thing. I mean, I'd love to have the original Super Nintendo, with the Duck Hunt game and the classic Mario game, but I'm pretty sure we got rid of that when I was like..8, maybe.

At this point too, I'd also like to have the old gas prices we used to, back when I was a kid and exepensive would be like 52 cents, but knowing the era we live it now it'll never happen again.

Mmmm. I guess I could say that (as cheesy as it sounds) I kid of wish I still had that family bond I used to. I mean, I guess we, and by "we" I mean my family in general. We're all older now and be being the youngest, Im still a homebody, as much as I can't wait to move out, but my older sisters, kind of have a life of their own, an attitude of their own, and a superiority complex of their own, and I guess I miss being the youngest, and being really young cause those we're probably some of the best times I shared with my sisters.

Stupid things like burrying eachother in the sand, or me being the little sister they play pranks on, or whatever. Adulthood (ugh.) is great and everything with the whole "independence" shiz, but sometimes I want to go back to being like 7, and me and my sisters throwing our own basement fashion shows and fighting over the last slice of pizza. Now, its no fun, we all just give up the slice of pizza to eachother!

I know its a part of life, but sometimes growing up and changing, can suck!

What about you guys? Whats one (even though I obviously put more) thing that you used to have, that you don't anymore?

Alright, until next time mates, don't let them kids eat all the junkfood and wash those hubcaps!

Cheers:)