Rythmic Dillussions

And it’s weird because the power of music illumines feelings in me that nothing else or anyone else ever could. On a constant basis I’m listening to my melodramatic tunes; feeling the vibrations in my head; letting the words linger throughout my mind and body; on the bus, at home, in the car—the music follows me everywhere. It has and continues to be a space where I can feel however I want, think what ever I want and be whoever I want. I believe it’s fair to say, that music fills each of us and transpires into a million different meanings at different points of our lives

needIt scares me when I realize though, the power music has over me. How it can prompt the emergence of tears, of laughter, of empathy, of sorrow, of excitement and of craziness—and by craziness, I mean the times I breakout in dance moves in front of my mirror; that’s right, no shame.

to It’s every so often that I find a song that shakes me to the core. Today it was “Ballerina” by Leona Naess. Unless you want your mood to drop, don’t listen to it. It’s a beautiful song really, just a little gloomy, yet somehow I can’t turn it off. My life—well lets just say it’s a little ironic in the way it works; in the way I work; in the way my head works. When people are feeling down, they’ll usually fill their heads with the musical vibrations of happy sounds—the likings of Andy Kim’s “Sugar, Sugar” and Debra Cox’s “Beautiful U R” –and the many more that I currently can’t recall. For me however, it’s quite the opposite.

yellFor this city girl, it’s mellow music that I would rather, that I need to listen to in order to get through whatever the hell I’m going through; which on a weekly, daily and hourly basis can be what I seem to think is a lot—mostly concerns with the missing and broken pieces of my life’s puzzle.

out It definitely sounds like I’m depicting my life is a tragic life story; it really isn’t. It has its great parts—the parts I am so thankful to have and the parts that lead me to turn on my gangster beats in appreciation. But everyone longs and wishes for what they can’t have; and everyone hopes and dreams that things come to them sooner than later, and I’m no different.

loudTruly though, what I’m getting at is that it jolts me that I can’t find an answer to why we feel such a special connection to music. It’s relatable to everyone—which is the simplest and only answer I can come up with. Any other views and answers that I’m missing out on? One thing I know for sure is that I definitely wouldn’t be able to get through life without it.
someIt’s a bit of a dangerous object though I think. It manipulates us, breeds actions and adds both unnecessary and necessary larger-than-life effects to daily events. For example, in films where individuals are on their deathbed and hand in hand with their loved one sitting beside them, the scene becomes ten times more effective when Enya’s “Only Time” comes on, than it would be without her soothing sounds. The music combined with images captivates the hearts of viewers and causes their tear ducts to emit uncontrollable tears—at least for me anyways. And in reality, something that can seem so little like a small and meaningless fight between friends can turn into something with much more of an emotional effect when you turn on a mellow track before bed.

placeIf life had a soundtrack, wouldn’t each action of life seem more—for lack of a better word—epic? Your first step; your first dance; your first successfully baked pie; your first rainy day kiss; your first child—would all prompt the perfect song to be played filling the space surrounding you in each of those larger-than-life moments.

to Music becomes a space where your heart accelerates its beats and where your fingers can tremor in life’s emotions. It’s a space of freedom and creativity.

call There’s an immense amount of beauty in music; in its words, its melodies and its rhythms—that is no lie. It can transpire into whatever you want it to be; it can relate to the best things of your life one day and the worst things the next.

mineIn essence, I guess part of me just loves the mysteries and power that music holds. Sometimes I wish I could be the main character in certain songs; where things always work out four minutes later. But for now, I think I can deal with taking my music in stride and being just an average city-girl.

My life, right now.

"The best part of chaos is its recursion."- Jimmy. 

Thats on a cold windy day.

I hate it. So much. I hate that, I like put up this guard. Hahaha. First girl you've heard that from eh? Hope you can get my sarcasm. Sigh.

Hmm. How the hell do I put what's on my mind, on paper..electronically. Shit, putting it on paper alone is difficult, but electronically? Gosh, what a task. 

I guess...it bothers me that, I get really afraid to open up to people. Im really pretty energetic and outgoing and personable, but its this whole..confiding it people and telling people how I feel. But, I think it's way more that that. It feels like an avalanche is ready to trail behind me, like Im carrying excess baggage. As little as I am in size, I'm pretty good with holding pounds and pounds of baggage. 

Life has just got me thinking that I want things to be solid. Things in my life are so unsteady. Family relationships not only between me and the rest of my family, but relationships between each other. I tell myself I'm so over that bullshit and their drama and that I need to focus on me and let them work things out, but that cloud dwindles over my head that leaves me needing to hold an umbrella up and be the one, the one who can guard them, and fix things. I don't want perfection, because a) perfection is unattainable and b) perfection if boring. I just want things to be steady. I want things to flow in my life, and family is a huge part. Damn. This makes no sense. 

Well. I guess. Alright, here it is. I listen to songs (another cliche' for ya mates) and I think of how great  it would be to have that, like a relationship. No, I'm not the needy girl. But, it's so nice to have a connection with someone who thinks of you when they see or hear something. Me and my friend, let's call her Tina, were talking about how that person in your life, that someone, can make such a difference. How that person can make or break your life. I don't mean it in the dramatic sense it is coming across as. I mean it as, if you're in a relationship with someone and it's going great, it can make your attitude and your days so much better, just as if things have gone horribly wrong, it can make your day..make your day, well shit. And I know what you may be thinking..and to clear it up, my happiness is not dependent on a guy. Like I said, its just comforting to have some solid ground with a couple things in life. 

Let's bring up Jack again, from my previous blogs. I love him as a friend, though around each other we're usually more. But, I don't want anything more from him. I don't want him as a boyfriend cause he'd be a bad one, with me at least. I want him as a friend and he can't even be that, so imagine. But it hurts, hurts so much that like, he wants me as that call girl. And I'm a huge idiot for getting started with this whole shit. I mean, I really don't mind it in the moment, but I had hesitations at the beginning. What I mind, is that our friendship and hanging out revolves around only that. The other day I was telling Jack that we really needed to hang out before I head off to work at that camp and he agrees, stressing that he needs some 'ass.'  This is what I mean by having something solid. 

I don't understand how one day, he acts like a really great friend who appreciates me, for me, my personality, my good times and how instantly, in a second my whole perception of him can change by the one thing he says. Its a big thing because that one thing he says, really says a lot about what he thinks. 

Sigh. Its out. 

I just need some solid ground in my life. Jimmy my insightful friend (hmm, did I call him Jimmy before?) just mentioned to me something about how, if people have a fate, or a destiny thats not to far away, sometimes they've gotta look around before diving into that so called destiny. Whether I believe in all that fate business, it just leaves me telling him that because my life is so unsolid, I end up diving and coming right back out. And you know what he responds with?

"That's only on a cold windy day."

Leave it to him to get me to chuckle. 

Thanks for readin mates. Sorry for another, un complex script of my mind. 

Cheers ; )

Don't let those dragonflies let you down, and bounce those balls high.

Respect that .

"Number 77........number 78..............79.........80...." 

I went to the hospital with my dad today cause he needed to get a blood test and I well I was just bothered by a couple things. Or, I guess they just stood out in my crazy mind. 

Dad had to get a blood test in the hospital downtown, since he had a small surgery there a couple weeks and well we go and I sit down while he goes to the reception to check in and comes back with a number. A black piece of plastic with the number 77 on it. Next to me, there were other patients with different numbers, many of them with numbers before 77. We didn't really wait long, that wasn't the problem. I guess the problem was that it bothered me how patients, rather people were being represented by numbers. I know it is probably more efficient, and all that bullshit, but it all feels so...cold. I mean, in a hospital people feel SO vulnerable as is and to not be represented as people, but numbers makes things so impersonal. 

Shit, I don't even think its logical for it to bother me, but I mean it does. And it scares me because because my parents are getting older and as much as I try to be there, it scares me to think how they'll be treated when I can't be around. I don't want these stupid hospital workers poking and prodding at them, and at him, like he's nothing. Sigh. It just really bothered me and I really felt like taking my dads arm and leaving. I guess thats love though right? I just want him to be treated wonderfully. ...

Anyways, I guess I'll tell you about the McDonalds thing. We'll the whole family has been on this new regime of eating, eating better, though as mentioned before, dads the only one who really had to join the rest of us. But, anyways he felt like spoiling himself today, and after a couple months of not eating any fast food, I thought he deserved it. So, we go to McDonalds and from the time we were at the end of the line, to the time where we made our order, there was a group of family (looked like a mother and two older daughters) complaining. Their first complaint was that the burger on their Big Mac wasn't straight. So, the manager gave them a new burger post their complaint. The second complaint was that their fries we're getting "cold" (even though they ate half while waiting for their food), so again the manager threw out their two orders of fries and gave them a new set. Then, they went further to complain that their chicken sandwich was going to get cold if the Big Mac did not get there in 20 seconds. So, of course, they gave them ANOTHER chicken sandwich. 

That's two meals thrown out. It just really bothered me how rude they we're to the employees at McDonalds, at MCDONALDS. You get what you pay for and I mean are you seriously going to get angry about a burger not being straight on your bun? They have hands, they can fix it, if they can eat it. And, thats exactly it, they're going to eat it..what the hell does it matter if its not centered. Sigh. I guess its just a huge respect thing and I can't understand how people can be SO disrespectful. 

Bah. Those people can go suck a lemon. If I wasn't composed (bahaha) and polite..I would've given them the lemon myself. 

Anyways, I know I've been SO undedicated to my blog lately..I've had a lot of things on my mind..er which I guess means I really should be bloggin'..but ehn. 

Until the motor stops running, sleep well on that daisy. 

And it is...

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about how growing up things have changed, we've both evolved, gained things; and lost things, and it got me thinking to what one thing I used to have that I don't anymore.

It also got me thinking, that it is really hard to narrow it down to one thing. I mean, I'd love to have the original Super Nintendo, with the Duck Hunt game and the classic Mario game, but I'm pretty sure we got rid of that when I was like..8, maybe.

At this point too, I'd also like to have the old gas prices we used to, back when I was a kid and exepensive would be like 52 cents, but knowing the era we live it now it'll never happen again.

Mmmm. I guess I could say that (as cheesy as it sounds) I kid of wish I still had that family bond I used to. I mean, I guess we, and by "we" I mean my family in general. We're all older now and be being the youngest, Im still a homebody, as much as I can't wait to move out, but my older sisters, kind of have a life of their own, an attitude of their own, and a superiority complex of their own, and I guess I miss being the youngest, and being really young cause those we're probably some of the best times I shared with my sisters.

Stupid things like burrying eachother in the sand, or me being the little sister they play pranks on, or whatever. Adulthood (ugh.) is great and everything with the whole "independence" shiz, but sometimes I want to go back to being like 7, and me and my sisters throwing our own basement fashion shows and fighting over the last slice of pizza. Now, its no fun, we all just give up the slice of pizza to eachother!

I know its a part of life, but sometimes growing up and changing, can suck!

What about you guys? Whats one (even though I obviously put more) thing that you used to have, that you don't anymore?

Alright, until next time mates, don't let them kids eat all the junkfood and wash those hubcaps!

Cheers:)