diggin through the past.

Untitled.

We will always love the first one; the one that loved us first.
We say we wont; but we do.
We say we can forget; but we cant.
We say we will, one day; but we don't ever.
Our friends tell us we're better; we are.
But we forget to tell ourselves.
Instead we fall back into our old routine; the first routine.
We hold our hearts close; to them and everything they love; everything we love.
It is a lie we tell ourselves; the belief that we will one day get over it.
We try not to fall; but we fall harder than imagined.
We sing ourselves lullabies to forget the things that hurt; the things we grieve.
Intense emotions ride over us; our common sense.
Try as we may to build ourselves up; but we're broken inside.
We love until we can't love anymore; we cry until there are no tears left.
We breathe until our last breath; but we forget to allow ourselves that pain.
We are not weak inside; but we attempt to justify our sadness as an excuse for our weaknesses.


Hey so, I totally was cleaning out my documents and found this from way back when..and from way back
when I mean from last year. I was a bit of a depresso, but I think its kind of , KIND OF, beautiful in some messed
up way.
Anyways, I know this is kind of like a second post for today, but writting a blog at 2 in the morning doesn't count.
And now that schools over, I can get back to writting blogs during the time owls are NOT out.

Sensible Heart?

It is not as though, I want to date him, I mean I’d definitely love to be with him and by be with him I mean, in his arms, his nose touching mine, as cliché as it sounds. I love feeling his heat and him feeling mine and I love his arm round my back and my hand stroking his. I love the whispering, the locking of the lips, I love his smile. Ha, and I love the way I kiss him with my eyes open, and the way he bites my lip when I tell him not to. And I love the way we pull our covers over our head so that no one else in the room hears us. I sound as though I want to be with him and I mean part of me does but I don’t want it to be understood that I’m in love with him or anything.. I just love what he does for me. I want to say I love person he is, but then I think and I wonder, and I’m not sure that I do. I just wish I could have him on call, to hold me, to like feel that body heat, for him to Eskimo kiss me.

I tell myself--ha ha--that I am so not attached, but that is so a lie. I’m attached in the way that..I want to come home and have him there to be like, get over here girl, and then he’ll hold me and whisper sweet nothings but I don't want a relationship.
I guess my thoughts get lost in a cloud when I think I think about what he’s thinking about. Here I am listening to music, and all I can think of is the last time we were together. Or when I’m lying on my bed and watching TV, I think how much better it would be to just be there with him. It’s more or less I want to know what he’s thinking. I mean when we’re together, I want to know that he’s thinking I’m great and that he’d not be anywhere else. I wanna know if I am that person he thinks about when he's in class or at home. Part of me is thinking, maybe it’s just an excuse to get some ass. But like I know he really does think something great of me, but I just want to go to sleep at night, knowing he’s thinking the same thing. Not that we want to be exclusive, but that it would be really nice to be with her, just like I think it would be really nice to be with him.
I've obviously had an insane amount of mixed feelings about him, as can be noticed in this blog, with the things he's done like inflating his hego (male ego) and being distant, and crapping out on plans and not saying the things I want him to say. But I mean, the good times definitely out way the bad, if it’s fair to say. I mean, it’s not like we’ve had either a lot of good times or bad times. But the bad things, at least what I’ve been upset with, I let him fix them with the way he looks me in the eye, and calls me 'hahht'. Hah. It’s just funny you know, how you can get so close to a person, without being a part of their whole self.
I guess I just want to know that someone thinks of me the way I think of them, because it tears me apart to sit and question all my thoughts. I know I should trust the way I feel about him, and the way I think he might feel about me, but my heart and head intertwine and cross roads and just mess everything up.
And I hate being that girl. That cliche' girl who can't get her feelings straight and does not know what she wants. I don't want to be that girl that cries over a guy that isn't even hers or is ever gonna be hers. And as much as I am that girl, I don't want to be that girl that writes blogs over a man.
I guess its a part of life though right? I mean, if lovin was that easy, and life was a straight road, everyone would be at the end with smiles on their faces.