Thats on a cold windy day.

I hate it. So much. I hate that, I like put up this guard. Hahaha. First girl you've heard that from eh? Hope you can get my sarcasm. Sigh.

Hmm. How the hell do I put what's on my mind, on paper..electronically. Shit, putting it on paper alone is difficult, but electronically? Gosh, what a task. 

I guess...it bothers me that, I get really afraid to open up to people. Im really pretty energetic and outgoing and personable, but its this whole..confiding it people and telling people how I feel. But, I think it's way more that that. It feels like an avalanche is ready to trail behind me, like Im carrying excess baggage. As little as I am in size, I'm pretty good with holding pounds and pounds of baggage. 

Life has just got me thinking that I want things to be solid. Things in my life are so unsteady. Family relationships not only between me and the rest of my family, but relationships between each other. I tell myself I'm so over that bullshit and their drama and that I need to focus on me and let them work things out, but that cloud dwindles over my head that leaves me needing to hold an umbrella up and be the one, the one who can guard them, and fix things. I don't want perfection, because a) perfection is unattainable and b) perfection if boring. I just want things to be steady. I want things to flow in my life, and family is a huge part. Damn. This makes no sense. 

Well. I guess. Alright, here it is. I listen to songs (another cliche' for ya mates) and I think of how great  it would be to have that, like a relationship. No, I'm not the needy girl. But, it's so nice to have a connection with someone who thinks of you when they see or hear something. Me and my friend, let's call her Tina, were talking about how that person in your life, that someone, can make such a difference. How that person can make or break your life. I don't mean it in the dramatic sense it is coming across as. I mean it as, if you're in a relationship with someone and it's going great, it can make your attitude and your days so much better, just as if things have gone horribly wrong, it can make your day..make your day, well shit. And I know what you may be thinking..and to clear it up, my happiness is not dependent on a guy. Like I said, its just comforting to have some solid ground with a couple things in life. 

Let's bring up Jack again, from my previous blogs. I love him as a friend, though around each other we're usually more. But, I don't want anything more from him. I don't want him as a boyfriend cause he'd be a bad one, with me at least. I want him as a friend and he can't even be that, so imagine. But it hurts, hurts so much that like, he wants me as that call girl. And I'm a huge idiot for getting started with this whole shit. I mean, I really don't mind it in the moment, but I had hesitations at the beginning. What I mind, is that our friendship and hanging out revolves around only that. The other day I was telling Jack that we really needed to hang out before I head off to work at that camp and he agrees, stressing that he needs some 'ass.'  This is what I mean by having something solid. 

I don't understand how one day, he acts like a really great friend who appreciates me, for me, my personality, my good times and how instantly, in a second my whole perception of him can change by the one thing he says. Its a big thing because that one thing he says, really says a lot about what he thinks. 

Sigh. Its out. 

I just need some solid ground in my life. Jimmy my insightful friend (hmm, did I call him Jimmy before?) just mentioned to me something about how, if people have a fate, or a destiny thats not to far away, sometimes they've gotta look around before diving into that so called destiny. Whether I believe in all that fate business, it just leaves me telling him that because my life is so unsolid, I end up diving and coming right back out. And you know what he responds with?

"That's only on a cold windy day."

Leave it to him to get me to chuckle. 

Thanks for readin mates. Sorry for another, un complex script of my mind. 

Cheers ; )

Don't let those dragonflies let you down, and bounce those balls high.